This summer my husband and I were able to take a dream trip to the Mediterranean that culminated in a cruise around Italy. One morning, when we had docked outside Rome, we were eating breakfast next to a couple and their two kids, who looked to be between the ages of 4 and 7. Both kids were on their tablets, and I watched both parents try to coax and bargain with their kids to put the tablets away and eat their breakfast. The kids ignored them, and the parents continued to bargain. I wanted to intercede, to coach the parents, to empower them to take control. I wanted to grab those tablets and chuck them over the side of the ship surrounded by the breathtaking landscape. What I did instead was grumble to my husband repeatedly about what I was seeing. Later that day we saw that family again at the Vatican, the parents were taking photos, and the kids were staring at those tablets and missing it all. Don’t get me wrong, I could’ve easily found myself in the same position had I parented young children in the age of devices (smartphones, tablets, handheld gaming systems etc.) but since Rome I am noticing these things happening constantly. Young kids sitting on park swings staring at their device, children trailing their parents in department stores, staring at a device, toddlers in strollers playing with a device, middle schoolers attending the first school dance of the year, sitting in the hallway staring at their device.
The proliferation of technology, especially personal electronic devices, has significantly altered the landscape of childhood experiences since the late 1980s. While these devices offer unprecedented access to information and entertainment, their pervasive presence in the lives of young children has raised concerns about potential negative effects.
As an 80’s baby and a former latchkey kid I can appreciate, now, the character building that came from hours upon hours of boredom. I remember the hours spent playing outside, riding bikes, practicing handstands against a wall and playing with toys in my room because there was nothing else to do. And long car rides, ugh, was there anything worse? But then technology crashed onto the scene, and it was wonderful! I could bring my Walkman on those car rides and at least have my music. I could record the movie I would otherwise miss and watch it later thanks to the VCR. The transition was so gradual we were missing what was happening to us. We, as a society, seemed to be forgetting how to live with the discomfort of boredom.
Look in any grocery store line or doctor’s office waiting room and you will see people sitting silently next to each other scrolling on their device. The topic of our aversion to boredom and discomfort is addressed in a book by Michael Ester called The Comfort Crisis: Embrace Discomfort to Reclaim Your Wild, Happy, Healthy Self. In his book Easter stated:
“We are living progressively sheltered, sterile, temperature-controlled, overfed, underchallenged, safety-netted lives.”
Since reading this book I have been trying to be more mindful of this, trying to keep the phone away and just be present in otherwise boring unstimulating situations. We have slowly replaced silence and boredom with technology and noise. Easter went on to say:
“A radical new body of evidence shows that people are at their best—physically harder, mentally tougher, and spiritually sounder—after experiencing the same discomforts our early ancestors were exposed to every day. Scientists are finding that certain discomforts protect us from physical and psychological problems like obesity, heart disease, cancers, diabetes, depression, and anxiety, and even more fundamental issues like feeling a lack of meaning and purpose.”
The effect this is having on adults is one thing, at least our neural pathways for life without constant stimulation were formed, but we are only just beginning to observe the long-term damage it is causing to our children in their brain development, aptitude for resilience, and emotional health.
The technology boom that began in the 80’s has led to a gradual but profound shift in the way subsequent generations experience childhood. The steady integration of devices into daily life has transformed the dynamics of family interactions, social relationships, and educational practices. Children growing up in the digital age may face challenges in forming meaningful connections, as the virtual world competes with the richness of real-life experiences. Additionally, the long-term impact of excessive screen time on physical health, mental well-being, and cognitive development is an area of growing concern for parents, educators, and healthcare professionals.
My day job is in the schools as a School Counselor and so I can speak to the concern felt by educators working in today’s educational setting. We are seeing the real time effects of this issue play out in our building every day. We do what we can as a building to limit their technology use during the day, but it’s a constant battle. We are seeing ferocious responses from kids when they are denied access to their devices. In the last ten years I have witnessed a steady decrease in the ability of the collective to sustain attention, and teachers are needing to find more and more creative ways to stimulate the stimulation-dependent brains of their students.
One of the notable drawbacks of exposing young children to devices is the erosion of their ability to cope with boredom. Traditional childhood activities that foster creativity, such as imaginative play, outdoor exploration, and genuine human connection are increasingly being supplanted by screen time. The instant gratification provided by digital devices may prevent children from developing essential skills to navigate and appreciate unstructured downtime. Even to sustain immediate discomfort for the benefit of achieving long term goals. As a result, the cultivation of patience, resilience, and the capacity to self-entertain is stifled, hindering the formation of a robust coping mechanism crucial for their emotional and cognitive development.
The constant engagement with devices also poses a threat to the development of self-soothing skills in young children. Instead of relying on internal resources to manage stress or discomfort, children may turn to the external stimuli provided by screens. This reliance on digital distractions can impede the formation of healthy coping mechanisms, leading to difficulties in regulating emotions and handling challenges independently. Furthermore, excessive screen time may contribute to attention deficits and reduced ability to engage in sustained, focused activities, hindering the natural process of self-stimulation that occurs during imaginative and hands-on play.
My husband and I are now empty nesters, and there is beauty and peace to this phase of life. There are certainly moments of nostalgia when I look back on the years when my children were young, times when I miss the cuddles, and hearing my babies laughing or their never-ending wonder and curiosity about the world. But I also clearly remember the feelings of exhaustion and exasperation; the feelings of overwhelm and stress over the endless demands of parenting while trying to find my identity as a woman aside from my role as a wife and a mother. I can admit that more times than I can remember, I would turn a cartoon or movie on for my kids, just to get an hour or so of peace for myself. I knew it wasn’t wise parenting, but I was treading water and traded wisdom and long-term benefit for my children for moments of solitude. It was easy and I was tired.
We must also be cognizant of the fact that parents everywhere want what’s best for their children and assume that they, like I was, are just trying to survive the difficult, exhausting, and sometimes sanity-sucking days of parenting children. Some parents are doing it alone, without a co-parent to help carry the burden. Some are parenting while working multiple jobs, just trying to make ends meet. And some have assumed the role of parent when the bio-parent has died or is experiencing mental illness, addiction, incarceration, or crisis. We can never know what a parent or guardian is going through when we see the snapshot of life in public (whether at home or when in Rome).
My challenge for you (and for myself) is this: practice sitting in boredom again. Stand in that line, sit in that doctor’s office, ride that subway, and allow yourself the moments of boredom. Do this for yourselves and help your children do the same. Help them experience the natural boredom that comes from the mundane things in life: the car ride, the shopping trip with mom or dad, and the vacation. There is nothing wrong with using devices to entertain and distract, just as there is nothing wrong with a parent using these things to claim much-needed moments of peace; we only need to make sure to balance the moments of stimulation with the stillness and quiet of boredom.
While the benefits of technology are undeniable, it is crucial to recognize and address the negative effects that arise when devices become omnipresent in our lives and the lives of our children. The erosion of boredom-coping mechanisms and impaired self-soothing abilities since the late 1980s are issues that warrant thoughtful consideration. And as we navigate the evolving landscape of parenting in the technology age, it is imperative to strike a balance that allows children to harness the benefits of digital tools while preserving the essence of a childhood rich in the self-soothing benefits of unstructured play and imagination, which fosters the building blocks of genuine human connection.
Therapy is a process in which growth can and will look different for everyone. I will meet you wherever you are in that process and we will start there.
