We all have ideas about how we want to live and how we want others to treats us. We dream about good relationships, and rehearse the things we’ll say to another person. Sometimes, often times, we imagine the worse, thinking we have to fight for what we want, thinking everything will go awry if we don’t find a way to control events. We set and break boundaries, develop expectations, and issue demands, often to the detriment of our lives and our relationships. It is useful to sort out the differences between wanting something, demanding something, and knowing our own lines that we will not cross over.
Boundaries
A boundary is a line that you will not cross over. There are physical, verbal, mental, and emotional boundaries. Examples of physical boundaries are: “I will not hit someone else” or “I will not drink and drive.” A verbal boundary might be something like “I don’t call people names.” “I don’t talk behind other people’s backs.” You might set a mental boundary around degrading beliefs about yourself, turning a destructive negative belief such as “I never do anything right” into a believable, positive belief such as “I’m pretty good at tennis” or “I pay my bills on time” or “I take good care of my family.”
Emotional boundaries can be a little more elusive, since there is no right or wrong to emotions. However, emotional boundaries can still enhance your life. For instance, if I’m a worrier, I can give myself ten minutes to worry and then switch to a feeling of gratitude or competence. Or if I feel angry, I can choose to acknowledge my anger, calm down, and, once I’m calm, choose my actions.
A boundary is also a line that you won’t let others cross with you. For instance, most people don’t want others hitting them, calling them names, or dismissing their feelings. Perhaps I won’t be good friends with someone who talks behind my back, pits me against others, or lies to me repeatedly. I won’t stay around mean people, or con artists. I won’t be around those who twist the truth and manipulate. I won’t have people in my home who steal from me. These are lines that I don’t want other people crossing with me.
Demands
And this is where it gets tricky. A boundary can easily get confused with a demand. “I insist you only talk respectfully to me.” “I insist you stop lying to me and tell me the truth.” While, I might want that, and I can ask for it, I can’t control another person’s behavior. The demand is how I want the other person to behave. The boundary is what I’m willing to put up with. I have control over whether I walk away from someone who is disrespectful to me. I don’t have control over how another person chooses to treat others. I might repeatedly demand that the other person stop yelling at me. But if that person has no desire to change their behavior, my demands will be futile.
My power lies in how I choose to behave. I might choose to remove myself from the situation. I might say something like “I’m happy to talk with you when you calm down” or “This doesn’t work for me, so if you are angry at me, please talk to me about it instead of calling me names” and then I remove myself from the situation until that can happen. If the other person continues to yell at me or call me names, I have choices. I can choose to be around people who treat me respectfully. I can choose to act in ways that I respect.
Choice
And If I act in a way that I don’t respect, I can always choose again. If I cross over one of my boundaries, I can stop, think about it, calm down, and choose to re-establish that boundary. If I let others walk over my boundaries, I can again stop, think, calm down, and choose to reset my boundary. I do that by stating my boundary, asking the other person to respect it, and knowing that the other person can choose to honor it or not. If that person disregards my boundary, I don’t sit down and go “Oh well, I tried.” No. I choose to take care of myself and respect my boundary. This might mean taking a break from that person. It might mean only being around the person on certain terms, such as when they are sober, or calm. Or it might mean walking away altogether. Boundaries are guidelines for living fulfilling lives. Boundaries protect our dignity, keep us and others safe, and help us live with integrity. No matter how I demand that someone else respect my boundaries, the ultimate responsibility is my own. My behavior is my choice.
What to do
Identify your boundaries. Write them down. What are the lines you won’t cross over?
What are the lines you won’t let others cross over with you?
Notice how you feel when your boundaries are violated or you have crossed over your own boundary. While feelings aren’t facts, they can provide us with powerful information.
Think about how you want to let others (and yourself) know what your boundaries are and, how you can make kind, calm requests for respect of them.
Choose how you will handle re-establishing or resetting your boundaries.
Remember, the choice is yours. While you can’t control another person’s behavior, you can control yours. You can choose to act in ways that you respect and that protect your integrity, dignity, and the safety of all concerned.
Author:
Milana Marsenich LPC
As a therapist and a natural listener, I have had the great privilege of witnessing amazing generosity and courage in others.